Seeing those bright red cards and shiny hearts when I just finished celebrating New Year’s causes me stress, which can lead to anxiety, and then fear…yes, fear! After all, Christmas and New Year’s have barely ended, and I’m already pressured into thinking about creating yet another perfect day, which I may not do right (causing stress), which may cause hurt feelings (causing anxiety) and which could possibly lead to a fight about our relationship (causing fear that our day will be ruined by dredging up old, unresolved issues)!
Our society has sold us a lot of expectations around Valentine’s Day. You’re supposed to be and feel loving. You’re supposed to get the ideal card and gift for your Valentine. You’re supposed to have a special dinner and a “perfect” day, or else. Moreover, certain common stressors like, “Will my spouse be hurt if I don’t buy an extravagant gift or plan a special Valentine’s event?” or, “Will my spouse be really happy with just a card?” or, “My Valentine and I are not doing very well, so should we still celebrate?” make us dread Valentine’s Day, rather than look forward to it.
So, how do you not stress on Valentine’s Day, but instead use it as the beautiful holiday that it truly is—to bring out the love and affection for your Valentine? How do you use it as a day to remember what’s good in your marriage in and of itself, and not because it’s Valentine’s Day?
In preparation, set aside some special alone time with your spouse, before the holiday, to consider the following ways to simply enjoy Valentine’s Day without unnecessary stress:
1. Discuss how you want the day to unfold rather than how it’s “supposed” to be or how it “should” be. This will clarify each individual’s wishes and help you let go of the huge expectations surrounding the day, the gift, the dinner, the card or the perfect sentiment.
2. Once your Valentine’s Day parameters are established, express your feelings to your Valentine in your own unique way, not what Hallmark dictates. Do one special thing, rather than three or four.
3. Forget the dinner reservations at a crowded, pricey restaurant where you can’t even hear each other talk! Instead, either cook an intimate dinner together or order in for a romantic meal at home.
4. Use this day as an opportunity to remember what’s good in your marriage by telling your spouse two things you appreciate about them. This will acknowledge how special you both are to each other.
5. Even after you’ve done all of the above, if you still feel stressed, breathe and try to put it into perspective. When you feel anxiety, you’re usually over-thinking something and making it bigger than it is. Remember, it’s only one day in the life of your marriage, not your entire relationship.
Anytime too much pressure is placed on an event, it sets the stage for disappointment when the outcome isn’t as you envisioned. Leave the stress behind this Valentine’s Day by talking about the day in advance and using it as an opportunity to express your love and appreciation to your spouse in your own special way.
Sharon M. Rivkin
Also known as the "last ditch effort therapist," Sharon M. Rivkin, therapist and conflict resolution/affairs expert, is the author of "Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy" and developer of the First Argument Technique, a 3-step system that helps couples fix their relationships and understand why they fight. Her work has been featured in Oprah Magazine, Reader's Digest, Time.com, Yahoo!News.com, WebMD.com, and DrLaura.com. Sharon has appeared on TV, was quoted on The Insider TV show, and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. She has also appeared on Martha Stewart Whole Living Radio and makes regular radio appearances nationwide. For more information, please visit her website at www.sharonrivkin.com.
