I had the honor of being part of a panel discussing bullying a few weeks ago and left there feeling frustrated. This show aired on a Christian television station, and the motive was to bring more attention to the issue of bullying, the suicides that result from it, and what we can do, as a community, to make a difference.
There were many great discussions on the show and I felt inspired by a mother, whose son was tragically killed by bullies, who took the energy of her grief and turned it into developing a program aimed at education. Both her courage and her insight are a testament to what we can do when faced with challenges in life. To stay silent would have missed an opportunity to share her pain and wisdom with others who could be helped.
I have written quite a bit on the subject of bullying, and believe that I see the answers to change this epidemic. Part of that solution is parenting with wisdom and patience, not parenting with control and fear. The most troubling aspect of the bullying epidemic is that those who are in a position to affect changes may be blind to their contribution to the issues. Yes, that means you mom and dad.
On this panel was another psychologist—with all due respect to him—whom near the end of the discussion stated that he was “old school” and believed in the idea of “spare the rod and spoil the child.” This phrase has been uttered numerous times to me over the years, especially from parents in my work who feel frustrated by their kids’ disrespectful behavior. However, depending on where the emphasis is placed, this can have two totally different meanings: either spare the rod and you will end up with a spoiled child, or don’t spank your child, but love them unconditionally instead, i.e., spoil them with love instead. When there is ambiguity to things that are stated, much can become of interpretation.
Discipline This
So let’s discuss the word discipline. Many people equate the word discipline with punishment. The root of the word “discipline” is disciple. The word disciple means to teach. Teaching comes with boundaries, limits and goals, and as a teacher, I know that people do not learn very well in a state of fear. They may learn to avoid, but they do not learn concepts as well as they do when they feel involved and empowered.
Here is another point to consider: how many times did it take for you to try to tie your shoes before you could tie them with your eyes closed? Probably about 100 times or more. As humans, we are meant to learn over time and repetition is important. Consider the disciples: they had the benefit of travelling around with Christ from town to town and hearing his message over and over, learning through repetition. Do you think that Jesus grilled the disciples and spanked them if they could not recite what he was teaching? They did not just hear his message once, and still they each had their own interpretation.
Allow your children to learn by absorbing knowledge through experience and repetition. It is true that some lessons (not playing near the street, not taking drugs or getting into household chemicals) are survival-based and need to be learned quickly. For those lessons, prepare them and discuss risks in advance while doing what you can to prevent them from being exposed to these situations too early in life.
Old School vs. New School
It is important to look at our emotions that influence our parenting and realize that often fear and then anger become the most prevalent emotions experienced in times of distress. We often resort back to our own experiences and also believe that quick consequences that evoke pain should result in lasting change. Too many times in life we want to call on what we learned that seems convenient to us, rather than what is in our and others highest good.
Of course physical punishment is a relative term in the mind of many, but in my years as a parent of a very strong-willed child, I can say that I have never used spanking or yelling as a consequence. I have used restraint to manage her outbursts, time-outs, a stern voice to get her attention, counting techniques, removal of privileges, restriction and other techniques, discussion of her behaviors, but the most important tools that my wife and I use are consistency and follow-through.
Don’t you think that parents could be seen by their child as their first bully? Think about it. It will take time to change a generation, but the first step is to make change within yourself.
Erik Fisher, PhD
Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E…, is a licensed psychologist and author of two books whose work has been featured NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.DrEPresents.com to learn more about his new show, Off The Couch with Dr. E… .
