As parents, you and your spouse must realize the power you have in the eyes of your children. It is ever so important that each of you realize that your kids do not know the history of success or pain you and your spouse have experienced over the course of your life and marriage. Your children love the two of you in all of your humanness, and it is up to you to help them feel empowered and to help them realize risks. You should encourage them to pursue the experiences and adventures they feel are worth taking when looking at the options and safety considerations, while being willing to pick up the pieces when they fall.
Case in point. I was enjoying a lovely day at the park with my daughter. There were two 12-year-old girls playing on a piece of playground equipment that spins around while the kids hold on. The four-year-old daughter was asking her mother if she could play on this equipment with the older girls. The mother said, “They are much bigger than you, and if you get on that with them you are going to fall off. If you fall off and get hurt and start crying, I’m not going to come over there to help you. And if you get hurt, I’m going to say, ‘I told you so.'”
So, what did the little girl do? She slumped down next to her mom, and gave up.
I wanted to ask this mother, “Did you hear what you just told your child? Do you know how that will influence her desire to try new things? Did you see her sink down and give up? What were you thinking?”
I didn’t say anything, because my other thought was that if I did say something to the mother, given what I saw, will probably leave in a huff and then her daughter would probably hear about how much she humiliated her when that strange man commented about her daughter’s behavior.
Here’s the bottom line: What you as parents say to your children goes straight to their self-image, especially at a young age. I view my daughter as a priceless diamond, and everything I say and do with her is like another facet cut into that diamond. I understand that this mother may have been told the same thing when she was growing up because I know she wasn’t the first parent to say this to their child; and we often treat our kids the same way we were treated at that age.
So you may be thinking, “This little girl could get really hurt with those bigger girls. What should I do if I (or my spouse) find our self in a similar situation?
As parents, you and your spouse must be willing to work with your kids to find practical solutions. Say something like, “I feel concerned that if you go over and jump on that spinning wheel you could get hurt with the bigger girls on it. Why don’t you see if you could play on it with them, and ask them if they will go slow enough so that you don’t fall off. If you would like me to go over there with you to help or for support, I will.”
The girls may say, “No.” Or they may say, “Sure, we would love for you to play with us. Thanks for asking.” The point is that you won’t know unless you try.
Always encourage your child to engage in the world with wisdom. Let them know that you love them and support them in their endeavors, successes or perceived failures. They don’t deserve to hear, “I told you so!” Remember, failure let’s you know when it is time to learn.
Erik Fisher, PhD
Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E…, is a licensed psychologist and author of two books whose work has been featured NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.DrEPresents.com to learn more about his new show, Off The Couch with Dr. E… .
