Insight

An affair is one of the most difficult challenges a couple can face. It is a powerful catalyst that can either end the relationship or take it to a greater level of intimacy. An extreme symptom of a relationship that has been in trouble for some time, affairs do not happen out of the blue. They challenge both partners to look at themselves and their relationship in a radically new way.

At first, reactions to an affair are hurt, anger and a profound sense of betrayal. These intense, negative feelings make us feel we must immediately end the relationship in order to preserve our dignity. But these feelings quickly turn to self-degrading thoughts, such as, "There must be something wrong with me or he/she wouldn’t have cheated," or

Let me just say that I am happy to unpack the dialogue about one of the most coveted human experiences on the planet. Like many sexual discussions, which rarely or never happen in the midst of our most intimate relationships, yet proliferate the airwaves and video content of adult entertainment, most people have an extremely limited language to work with when it comes to orgasms. This collective silence about the mystery of orgasms and how it affects our well being and our relationships impacts a stunning percentage of the population. Many studies, including a 2001 global study of sexual behavior with over 27,000 participants revealed that orgasmic dysfunction is more the norm than the exception. One-third of all women have never experienced orgasm, while the second third had experienced orgasm only rarely.

Orgasmic dysfunction is not just a woman’s story, equal numbers of men suffer from a range of issues that hinder their ability to experience orgasms.

A lot of people do not know how to have sex. On the one side, we are inundated by an exhibitionist; anything goes sexuality in our pornographic-laden culture. On the other side, there is nothing, an empty and lonely place where most of us live with our questions about sexuality and wondering what is normative. Even most "Better Sex" videos are so graphic that integrating the images into practice is a far reach. I sell products which I assure will provide the tools for a longer and more satisfying sex life, but the longer I do it, the more I recognize that even the best lube in the world is not going to work if you don’t know how to use it. So here’s a little guide to the steps of making a spark turn into flame in your bedroom. Desire does not always precede arousal. Often times if you give yourself a chance to explore the purely physical sensations of scent and touch, the body itself will open up by itself to desire. Many a night, we have a pre-set agreement for an intimate rendezvous and I arrive exhausted with no desire in sight. This is where love oil comes in.

Walking into your bedroom should make your heart rate slow down. It should be the place where you sigh deeply and your whole body relaxes. The bedroom is your nest. A singular space that both regenerates you on a cellular level and a place that provides the environment and impetus for physical intimacy.

As the place where we love deeply, procreate and regenerate ourselves, the bedroom is the sanctuary for our sanity. So make it a place that’s not only all of these things, but also somewhere you can feel healthy and alive.

My experience with hundreds of people during the last twenty five years shows that the chances for rebuilding trust depend on some basic behaviors on the part of the person who had an affair:

* Answering all your questions
* Hanging in while you deal with the understandable emotions
* Making a commitment to the relationship by severing contact with the third party
* Respecting your need to talk with others about this life-altering experience
* Going to counseling with you if they wish to get professional help

Sometimes just thinking about the time when you learned of your spouse's affair (even after a lot of time has passed) feels like it just happened—or that it's happening all over again. People make comments like, "It still feels like it just happened yesterday" or "It is like my brain and body don't realize that any time at all has passed."

There's actually a biological basis for this; the body doesn't discriminate between whether something is actually happening at a given moment or whether the brain is simply "reviewing" past events.

In the past year, the sex in our marriage seems to be taking a decline. In other words, it hasn’t been that good. Are there other ways we can work through this?

The famous heart surgeon, Dr. Dean Ornish once said, "Love and intimacy are at the root of what makes us sick and what makes us well, what causes sadness and what brings happiness, what makes us suffer and what leads to healing... I am not aware of any other factor in medicine—not diet, not smoking, not exercise, not stress, not genetics, not drugs, not surgery—that has a greater impact on our quality of life, incidence of illness and premature death from all causes."