When school lets out, most estranged couples find themselves away from his/her child (children) for extended periods of time due to lengthier visitation schedules than what is customary during the school year and the holidays. Many courts suggest parents split the summer in half. That means you can easily be with or away from your child (children) for up to a month or more. That can be a hard adjustment for everyone! Then again, you may find yourself shuttling the children back and forth every two weeks, one week, and in some cases, every few days. This can be unsettling.
The following are seven tips for managing the children, your ex, and what might be a disruptive schedule.
1. Plan ahead: Way ahead! What causes most of the distress—arguments and resentment—are the constant requests to change the schedule. No one likes disruption… especially the children. Ask your ex to work out a schedule no later than January 31 of each year. This prevents irritation and chaos once summer arrives.
2. Think: Kids first, always: If you typically divide the summer in half when it comes to the visitation schedule with you and your ex, and now your teenage kids only want to spend two weeks with you and the rest of the summer with your ex (because her/his house is their primary residence), let them have a say. Times change. Things change. It is hard enough for children to go back and forth between parents. When they feel his/her wishes are not even considered, it can become hard on everyone involved.
3. Talk to your children about the schedule: If they are old enough, let them sit down with the two of you in the planning stages. For instance, would they prefer every other week? Do they want to spend the entire summer with your ex? Including them in the scheduling process will make them feel more at ease and in control.
4. Give and Take: Though it may have been hard during the marriage or cohabitation to “give in,” when you have children together, you must be able to give a little. If selfishness or a “me-first” attitude was one of the reasons you left your ex—or you were the perpetrator in that department—it is time to put others first.
5. Don’t surprise your ex with a last-minute demand: It would not be fair to tell your ex when you pick up the kids that you insist on keeping them an extra 10 days because your trip to Hawaii had to be extended due to the reservation mix-up. You can certainly ask for such a major change, but don’t count on it. And, don’t get hostile or snippy with your ex if he/she says no to your request. He/she may have some fixed plans of his/her own. Be fair.
6. Make plans of your own: Some parents suffer from separation anxiety when their children are away from them for too long. Rather than count the days until the children return, plan (ahead) to do some of those things you never get to do. Use the “alone time” wisely. That commodity is hard to come by.
7. Work with your therapist: If the longer time gap (summer, away from the kids) makes you feel depressed and lonely, and you have not made any plans of your own, contact your regular therapist or find one with whom you can confer. Increase your visits from monthly or biweekly, to going once a week or more, if necessary. Making that choice can help you get through what may feel like a very empty “period” in your life. Over time, these visits might help you become less co-dependent on your child. That’s a good thing because some day your child (children) will grow up and move on.
Steve Mindel
Steve Mindel, the managing partner at Feinberg, Mindel, Brandt and Klein in West Los Angeles and a Certified Family Law Specialist (by the State Bar of California Legal Board of Certification) was featured on the cover of Los Angeles Magazine’s Superlawyer edition. He also has appeared on KCBS, KABC, KTLA, KCAL, CNN, Good Morning America, The Today Show, and been quoted in many print publications as well, including AP and the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Business Insider, Good Housekeeping, Fox.com among others. A lecturer at Loyola Law School on family law, Mindel, graduated magna cum laude from both UCLA and USC Law Center. He is also a Fellow of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and the International Academy of Family Lawyers. You can connect with on LinkedIn and at fmbklaw.com.
