After my marriage ended, I swore I would never stuff down my emotions and act like everything was OK or remain silent about what I needed from a partner. I was going to be open and communicate effectively. I had no idea how hard it is to know what you want and articulate it. I had no idea how hard it is to express your feelings without hurting the other person. No wonder I just let things pile up internally in my marriage. I kept quiet and felt alone. No wonder when I finally couldn’t take it anymore I recklessly and ineffectively exploded verbally.
According to Amir Levine and Rachel S.F. Heller, authors of, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love, the goals of effective communication are to help choose the right partner and to make sure needs are met in a relationship.
What Is Effective Communication?
Effective communication is knowing your values and expressing your expectations in a direct and non-accusatory manner. You do this by using inoffensive and non-critical language that doesn’t make your partner feel attacked. Your partner’s well-being is taken into account along with yours.
In Attached, Levine and Heller list the five principles of effective communication as:
* Wear your heart on your sleeve. Be vulnerable.
* Focus on your needs. Get your needs across while keeping your partner’s well-being in mind.
* Be specific.
* Don’t blame.
* Be assertive and non-apologetic. Your needs are essential for your happiness even if others don’t see them as legitimate.
Are You Unknowingly Critical?
The most difficult part is not coming across as attacking or critical.
I’ve been informed by past boyfriends that I did not always do this well. They felt when I expressed what I needed, I was saying, “This is what you are missing” or “This is what you do wrong.”
Their response to my vocalized need for more relax time, fewer interruptions or more emotional connecting? Defensiveness. I thought I was doing well by being honest and forthright. I knew from experience that hinting at what I wanted didn’t work. I thought I was sharing knowledge about myself, but they saw it as a list of our incompatibilities.
How To Make Your Words Palatable
It is important to allay your partner’s fears at the beginning of the discussion. Perhaps sit close to them and hold their hand. Let them know your intention is to remain a team.
According to marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, two key ingredients to a secure masterful relationship are responsiveness and the belief that your partner has good intentions.
Using “I statements” and the words want, need and feel to keep the ownership and onus with you, eases your partner’s mind too. For example, “I feel disconnected when we don’t have quality time to talk” instead of “When you are so busy we get disconnected.”
Eliminating the words always and never helps keep the discussion current and positive. When you say, for example, “You always spend more time with your friends than me,” you bring up the past and an implied closed mind. A better option is, “I would like to spend more quality time with you.” Always and never evoke defensiveness every time.
Telling Responses To Effective Communication
Effective communication gives you answers about your relationship either way. It can show the insecurity of a partner or it can deepen your relationship. If a partner belittles you or builds their case of facts, the relationship suffers. If a partner takes your concerns seriously and tries to make you feel better, the relationship deepens.
Brenda Knowles
Brenda Knowles is the creator of brendaknowles.com, the website where sensitive people learn to build emotional and relationship resilience. Brenda has written over 400 posts on introversion, relationships, anxiety, depression and parenting. She is trained in family mediation and child advocacy. She is also the author of "The Quiet Rise of Introverts: 8 Practices for Living and Loving in a Noisy World."
