As shifts in society complicate parenting, a question is creeping into our cultural subconscious: Are those couples who choose to have kids really happier than those without? A growing body of research shows parenting hasn’t made us happier—in fact, a couple’s happiness may diminish with each child they decide to have. Other research suggests it’s not that simple (more on that in a minute). What is the same for all couples is the pressure to have a child—or to have more.
As soon as you get married the first question out of people’s mouth is, “When are you having a little one?” The moment after the first baby is born people are asking, “Are you going to have a second?”
This phenomenon is interesting because 52 years after the arrival of the birth control pill, and more than a century after the rise of feminism, a woman’s decision not to have children still remains a sticky point. It is relentlessly scrutinized by psychologists, politicians, statisticians and the media.
It’s not uncommon for many couples today to delay having kids until their late 30s; and some find it’s too late and decide to skip the process altogether. And even though we don’t know their back story, those couples who make the conscious decision not have children are labeled as selfish. They are seen as having two incomes and half the expenses, a “ME generation” attitude who hate kids in public places.
The Judgement of Parents vs. Non-Parents
If I can wax philosophical for a second, judging is a part of human nature. Parenting today is a lot more complicated because we live in a child-centric society. Since World War II the child has gone from economically useful to shrouded in protection. Modern parents are expected to sink a ton of emotional and financial capital into their kids.
If you listen to parents go on and on about how much they have to sacrifice and how difficult it is to raise a child today, maybe it’s not surprising overwhelmed parents are judging non-parents for being selfish. But then again, given all the whining who’s the smarter couple?
A Princeton and Stony Brook universities study of 1.8 million Americans, which included parents 34 to 46 from 2008 to 2012 found little difference in happiness levels between parents with and without kids, but with one significant distinction: parents tend to experience more highs and lows.
Sociologist William Doherty coined the term, “high-cost, high-reward.” And we hear a lot of parents confess, “I’m so glad I had kids but it is a tiring, overwhelming job. There has been a lot of sacrifice but also a lot of joy.”
There have been a number of times when my child is having a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store and I ask myself, “Why did I become a parent? It’s not worth it.” Five minutes later, that same child turns around and does something so incredibly wonderful that my heart melts. Parenting for me is, at best, an emotional roller coaster ride.
In regard to a couple’s happiness when it comes to choosing to have children, not surprisingly, there are many studies that conflict. A UBC study shows parents are happier than childless couples. In a nut shell, parents derive enjoyment and meaning from childcare than other work-related tasks.
However, there was a recent British study of more than 5,000 people that found child-free couples were more satisfied with their relationship. Within the study, mothers said the most important people in her life were her children, whereas fathers said it was his partner. With those responses it’s easy to see how conflict for parents can arise.
Ultimately, this is a massively sensitive topic. The mommy community can barely keep it together; just look at the very public in-fighting between moms who work outside the home versus moms who work inside the home. Or the mommy Olympians who approach child-rearing as an ambitious life project. It’s almost like parents are defending their turf.
I believe a big part of this sensitivity comes from how unprepared we are for parenthood. Reading a book on giving birth is a very different experience than actually giving birth—and no one can fathom what it is like being married for 10 years with two kids until you are in the middle of it.
Newbie parents are just as likely to think the strain won’t happen to them and are equally shocked when it does.
What’s interesting, or not, is society’s shift toward all-about-the-child has coincided with a push for happiness and self-actualization—the need to feel like a fulfilled and successful person independent of your family life. As people delay first-time parenthood the more they know, come to like, and appreciate what it’s like to live an obligation-free life.
Parents believe that they are supposed to be self-fulfilled, but on the other hand they’re also supposed to sacrifice everything for their child’s well-being. No wonder parents are confused and burnt out.
Finding Happiness (With or Without Kids)
We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to feeling shame, and drawn to picking on people who are doing worse than we’re doing. If you feel good about yourself, you have no interest in judging other people’s choices.
Parenting is tough. Choosing not to have kids and facing society’s scrutiny is tough. In a perfect world we would let people have that choice. Couple’s who are consciously or unconsciously hard on couple’s who have made different choices from them do it because they are using each other as a launching pad out of their own perceived deficiency.
Happiness is relative. You have to understand where your sense of fun and meaning comes from. While children can give us great joy, so can living a life without children.
Dr. Trina Read
Dr. Trina Read has a doctorate in human sexuality. Dr. Read is also an international speaker and offers free sex and lots of other information and resources on her website www.trinaread.com. To order her book, "Til Sex Do Us Part," click here.
You can also hear more from Dr. Trina Read on the Hitched Podcast.
