Loss hurts.
Both my grandfathers died before I could get to know them. Sexual abuse stole large chunks of my early childhood. One of my best friends died of a sudden illness when I was 12. My parents divorced. My mom disappeared into mental illness. My dad’s sudden, unexpected death when I was 15 shattered my world.
The hits came quickly and stuck deep. I was clueless about how to deal with it all. As a teen, I wondered if I was going to be able to weather future storms. I braced myself for the next loss. I lived in quiet fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Every loss since has been difficult and some were traumatic. I’ve lost numerous family members, friends, and co-workers. With each death, I felt like I had been hit by a train.
You know what I’m talking about. I know you do.
When death strikes, the world stops—your world. Someone you love is gone. Your life has been suddenly and irrevocably altered.
Even when death is expected, it still hits with the force of a tsunami. Nothing could quite prepare you for this. You’re stunned, perhaps even immobilized. Loss hurts badly, and it should. Here are five reasons why loss hurts:
1. This Life is All You’ve Known
You’ve spent all your life on this planet, breathing this air and walking this earth. When you encounter loss, you’re in uncharted territory. You’ve suddenly been catapulted into the unknown.
Some have great peace about what’s next and a level of certainty about what’s beyond this life. Even then, death means separation from those we love, even if it’s temporary. And that hurts.
2. Our Culture
Some experts have classified cultures as death-accepting, death-defying, or death-denying. The majority of North America seems to fall into the death-denying category. We don’t think about it. We pretend it doesn’t exist. We don’t accept it. We see death as an intrusion—the destroyer of hopes, dreams, and relationships.
If you can relate to this, then your cultural mindset may not have prepared you well for the realities of death and the pain that comes with loss.
3. Relational Separation
You’re created for relationship. Your life is about people—family, friends, and those you’ve known and related to over the years. This is your history. Being torn away from those you love is a scary proposition. It’s traumatic, heartbreaking, and lonely.
4. It’s Emotionally Complicated
When your heart has been hit, emotions spew all over the place.
You’re shocked. Stunned. Your heart screams, “This can’t be real!”
You feel sad, maybe lost. Loneliness and heartache invade. You get angry at your loved one for leaving, at God for taking them from you, or at anyone you see as contributing to their death.
Your anxiety increases. Depression knocks. Emotional upset is everywhere. Life is not business as usual. Your insides are being torn apart. It hurts.
5. Guilt
Death brings a bag of accusations and dumps them on you. “If you had only…” “You shouldn’t have…” “Why didn’t you…?”
Guilt is a relentless monster. It can suck a soul dry. It benefits no one and keeps you stuck.
Guilt must not be allowed to take up residence in your heart. Loss and grief are hard enough without this unwelcome visitor.
So, what can you do?
Begin by accepting the truth that loss is hard. It’s supposed to be.
Be patient with yourself. You need that, more than ever.
Find ways to forgive yourself and send guilt packing. You must do this—for your own sake and for those you love.
Cherish memories and tell their story. Remember, and share. They live on, in and through you.
Honor them on special days (holidays, anniversaries, birthdays, etc.). Be proactive and turn these times into celebrations.
Reach out and serve others, even while you’re hurting. When you do this, you heal a little and your loss has more meaning.
Ironically, loss hurts because you dared to love. You grieve because you care. And that’s a good thing.
Gary Roe
Multiple award-winning author, speaker, and grief specialist Gary Roe is a compassionate and trusted voice in grief-recovery who has been bringing comfort, hope, encouragement, and healing to hurting, wounded hearts for more than 30 years. Click here to get his free eBook, “Grief: 9Things I Wish I Had Known.”
