It is night. The princess flees the dragon—running, running into the woods. The handsome young prince charges up on his valiant steed, grabs the fearful dragon by the throat, and shows the princess it was only a paper dragon, nothing to be feared at all. The princess sighs with relief. The prince looks soulfully into the princess’s eyes:
Prince: “I will take you wherever you want to go, beautiful one, you have but to say where.”
Princess: “Where?”
Prince: “Yes, tell me where you want to go.”
Princess: “I don’t know where.”
Prince: “Well, where were you running to?”
Princess: “I don’t know, I was just running.”
Prince: “Forget it, lady, I’ll just go find a princess who knows where she’s going!”
Fairy tales aren’t supposed to turn out this way. Marriage isn’t supposed to turn out this way either! Yet this is all too often what happens when you are motivated by fear, pain or anger. You know what you don’t want running your life anymore, but you haven’t chosen what you do want running your life.
You’re unhappy with your spouse. You feel that the two of you are drifting apart. Oh, the love is still there, that deep and enduring bond, but the intimacy, the shared laughter, the closeness is but a distant memory.
You tell your husband or wife you’re unhappy. You describe the pain of the missing closeness and all the rest. Your spouse, good soul that he/she is, commiserates. But when you look to your spouse for answers, for solutions—none are forthcoming.
Well, that’s no big surprise! Or it shouldn’t be. You’re the one who’s feeling the lack. Only you can know what will restore the closeness you seek. Maybe you don’t know exactly what will do it, but it is up to you to come up with some ideas, some suggestions, that will be the basis of a meaningful discussion between the two of you.
Let’s say you decide more quality time away from the kids, in-laws and work would be beneficial. Great! You pick Saturday night through Sunday morning as your “us” time. Commit to it. Try it for a few weeks. Book the sitter, turn off your mobiles, plan something you both enjoy, whether it’s a picnic under the stars or a B&B overnight.
Did it work? Was your choice something that increased your emotional/physical intimacy? If not, no big deal. Make a new choice. Try that for a few weeks. And so on.
Here’s the thing: what’s important isn’t that you get “The Answer” spot-on first time you choose a possible solution. What’s important is that you choose a solution.
Now you have the building blocks of what will eventually be the solution. Well, for now, anyway, because marriage is an ever-growing, ever-expanding phenomenon. But in the absence of committing to a solution, you’ll be like poor princess, left in the dust, still hurt, afraid, and alone.
Dr. Noelle Nelson
Through her years as a psychologist, author and seminar leader, Dr. Noelle Nelson has empowered countless individuals to be happier, healthier and more successful at work, at home and in relationships.
Dr. Nelson shares her proactive and positive outlook in all her books, articles, interviews, seminars and consulting practice. Her books include Dangerous Relationships: How to Identify and Respond to the Seven Warning Signs of a Troubled Relationship(Amazon), which established her as a relationship expert. Her latest book, Phoenix Rising - Surviving Catastrophic Loss: Fires, Floods, Hurricanes and Tornadoes (Amazon), explores the trauma of losing a lifetime of possessions in a disaster, how to survive the immediate aftermath and how to find the strength to start anew.
Born in Manhattan to a French mother and an American dad, Dr. Nelson, at the ripe old age of six months, came to Southern California where she currently resides. Travel is a cherished pastime, which Dr. Nelson enjoys whenever her schedule permits. Other interests include voracious reading (mysteries and historical fiction are favorites) and ballroom dancing (she competes all around the country).
Dr. Nelson holds advanced degrees in clinical psychology from the United States International University (M.A., Ph.D.), and sociology degrees from the University of California at Los Angeles (B.A.) and the Sorbonne, Paris (Maitrise, Doctorat 3eme Cycle). She is a licensed clinical psychologist.
Listen to her twice-monthly podcast “Up! Uplifting, Inspiring, Practical” on Spotify, Google Podcasts and on YouTube. www.noellenelson.com, @drnoellenelson, https://www.facebook.com/MeetTheAmazings
