A central agent of the erotic act, of eroticism, is the imagination…if that goes away, that’s when the breakdown of desire often occurs.—Esther Perel
I often tell couples that the sexiest part of their body is their brain. Usually, I am trying to get them to understand the connection between their olfactory system and the limbic section where memory, emotion and sexuality are activated. But the more I talk about it, the more I have come to realize that this is also a key entry point to our sexual imagination and our capacity for fantasy. We all have our own personal brand of eroticism—how sexuality is transformed by our imagination—but we don’t all have equal access to it.
By definition, marriage provides a safety and stability that many of us crave, but taken too far the attachment to safety can also diminish the erotic vitality of the relationship. When we close ourselves to the element of surprise, we suffocate what is mysterious, raw and evocative.
Suffering with bad or mediocre sex in a marriage often has a lot to do with choosing safety over mystery and separateness that makes living together vital. This is where having the capacity and courage to access the imagination in our sexuality can reinvigorate our relationships and our intimate lives.
Applying your imagination to sexuality is more than just the cliché ideas that come to mind for many people when they hear the word “fantasy” and think of costumes, props and scripts for sale in adult stores. Allowing your imagination free-reign during lovemaking allows you to “experience things that you can’t possibly act out,” said Alex Comfort, MD in the classic best seller, “The Joy of Sex.” “Fantasies can be heterosexual, homosexual, incestuous, tender, wild or bloodthirsty—don’t block, and don’t be afraid of your partner’s fantasy; this is a dream you are in.” Trust and intimacy bloom when couples risk sharing their most private thoughts with each other.
That said, there are many thoughts that dance through my mind in sexual intimacy with my husband that I wouldn’t repeat even to myself. I know I am not alone in this as Nancy Friday’s bestsellers, “My Secret Garden, Forbidden Flowers” and “Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies” demonstrate. Start with allowing your fantasies to spark passion in your love making and as your intimacy warms up, so will your ability to explore the idea of what fantasies you may actually share with your spouse.
In fact, what might surprise you even more is that the top four fantasies that you never thought you could tell anyone about actually occur to most of us. A poll of 10,000 people by Men’s Health found that both men and women share the same five fantasies. They include: self pleasuring while their partner watches, experimenting with a variety of domination and submission roles, having sex in public (think elevator, back row of an airplane) and making a homemade porn flick.
Taking the leap to living out a fantasy with your spouse can be as small as buying a pair of soft fuzzy handcuffs in the privacy of your own bedroom or it could mean experimenting with the dining room table in a new way. Sometimes, seemingly small changes in routine are all it takes for us to wake up and actually see the person we are loving. Taking your fantasies to a new level takes the courage of first bearing witness to them, being able to communicate them and then making clear agreements with even clearer boundaries about how the new explorations will both risk your safety levels and allow you to believe in an intimate life that only you can imagine with your spouse.
Wendy Strgar
Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, “Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy,” she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called “the essential guide for relationships.” The book is available on ebook. Wendy has been married for over 30 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest, and has four children.
